I think this could probably fulfil the role of the requisite 'emo blog post', as per contractual blogger obligations.
I think I want a "I sold my non-existant soul to the Internet and all I got was this lousy blog" tee-shirt in return. At least it won't be a LiveJournal kind of emo!

I suppose I'll get the tl;dr version out of the way, otherwise I'll just spend 2,000 words trying to get there: I have Social Anxiety Disorder and Selective Eating Disorder. Aware of the later for about a couple of years, the former a couple of weeks. Aware, that is, of the clinical definition for those periods of time; living with the reality of them probably for as long as I can remember.

In short, social anxiety is related to the, mostly consciously irrational, fear of public embarrassment and thus an over obsession with your own perceptions of what other peoples perceptions of you are. A grand old vicious circle!
Selective eating is the much less studied (particularly compared to other eating disorders) situation where someone limits themselves to a small range of foods; in many cases individual food items not just food groups. Related to this is Food Neophobia, which is the reluctance or fear of trying new foods. It mainly has to do with food tastes and textures, rather than self image issues that all the 'cool' eating disorders relate to, and can obviously lead to lack of nutrition.

Of course, naturally, how all this relates to me is not based on any sort of professional diagnosis; no, no that would make far too much sense! This is all still purely in self-diagnosis territory. But I think it is a pretty safe bet and that I am not succumbing to hypochondria.

Both conditions have that unfortunate 'D' word in there, which when first encountered can be a bit scary; "I have a di...dis.. disorder?! But not just one, I have two!"
Of course when one of them deals with social anxiety it doesn't exactly help; "What if people find out? They'll really, really think I'm a freak!"
This means most of the time I can be very reluctant to actually discuss the issues at hand, but I don't think too many who've known me would be too surprised by such revelations, as I've always been 'the quiet one' of a group, or that guy who only ever seems to eat chips, or at least that's what I tell myself. Not that any of that would stop me from stressing about them actually knowing. Why the hell am I even still typing this?!

Perhaps it is because, after my programmer/knowledge-junkie self takes control, I find the whole situation fascinating!
What neurological contortions have I gotten myself into? What now-self-reinforcing patterns did my brain pick up on? Did I divide by zero somewhere?
Maybe I've been watching too much House, but I really want to know just what the hell is going on in there. "For Science!" And I think that is my ticket out of this mess.

The unfortunate acronym SAD
For the first week or three since first learning about the existence of social anxiety I had been reading up on it trying to figure out just what it is and how it is dealt with. I had gotten a couple of books on then topic. 'Disorders' scary partner in crime 'therapy' comes up a lot, which prompts its own initial irrational chain of thought; "I can't do therapy, I'll just be admitting to the world to being defective!"
It is specifically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which if it had a motto it would probably be 'knowing is half the battle'. It mainly deals with recognising your own state of mind, what you were thinking about when you begin to feel anxious. Examining those thoughts and the assumptions you build around them and then working towards putting yourself in similar situations where your can consciously override those unwanted thoughts and behaviours; all the while building self-confidence, reducing self-consciousness and avoiding safety behaviours.
It's not quite an fMRI map of which neurons are firing when a massive gravity well appears in your small intestine and you begin to sweat and uncontrollably blush as your mind goes blank and you scramble for cliched conversational catchphrases when confronted with perceived awkward social situations. But, it does appear to be a good analytical approach to the problem that has been shown to get results.

And I might just try it... someday. *Safety Behaviour Alert!*
The last few weeks have just been getting on with life as usual without actively doing anything to overcome my social anxiety, which I guess is right up there with my usual main 'safety behaviour' of just avoiding social situations. I suppose I could try to rationalise it as acclimatising to the notions of CBT during day to day normality without it being at the forefront of my mind or actively going through the steps, or that I don't have a firm enough grasp of it yet to feel comfortable with it.

Or I'm a coward! The most likely option.
But still fascinated!

Not as bad as first imagined
On the food front things have been more positive, perhaps because I've had longer to grasp the reality of the situation and therefore have a stronger determination to actually do something about it.

I have always been a 'picky' eater. Having done the blue food dye test I'd be categorised as a supertaster (another unfortunate label, as it has been subject to ridicule); perhaps the mere fact of just having the blue food dye on my tongue was enough to make me gag due to its bitterness is as good an indication than the actual test itself. So apparently I have an over heightened sense of taste, which is probably why I've always had a narrow range of foods I'm comfortable with, even as a young child. In fact I probably had a wider range of diet when I was young than for the vast majority of my life.

But there was always one constant; I simply flat-out refused to have anything to do with meat. Not for any sort of idealogical reasons, I'm perfectly fine with animals being slaughtered for food (I'm not one of those people), I just didn't want it. As an infant I would spit it out. Just. Did. Not. Like! Any time I'd come within touching distance of meat, particularity raw meat, I'd get an involuntary shiver down my spine (you can practically smell the irrationality).

So for the longest time I've described myself as a vegetarian, just one who didn't like too many vegetables.

Now at the moment this doesn't sounds like it is all the fault of supertasting, and to be honest it probably isn't. There are probably supertasters who enjoy a wide range of food and enjoy their food all the more for it. Those who only shy away from some overly bitter or sour extremes. I ended up being conservative and only sticking to what I felt was safe.
When young, as far a dinners go, I would eat potatoes, peas, beans, carrots, fish but only as fish fingers, rice and probably more that I can't even remember any more. I have a slight recollection of gravy.
Chips (Freedom Fries for the yanks!) I also most definitely ate, but they were a rare threat. Both my brother and sister had themselves particular dietary requirements and could not digest the oil, so we just never had them that often.
Of course there were other things I ate too; cereals, eggs, bread, oh and sweets of course!

Then around about the ages from seven to nine there was a lot of upheaval in my personal life, that ran the spectrum from death to replantation. We were now living with my grandparents, where there were still two of my mothers five brothers and sisters living (5 total, not each). If there was one thing that was plentiful it was food. And to me that meant one thing; I could have chips whenever I wanted! I could have them every day! And I most definitely did!

In a way it was a comfort in the wake of a lot of troubling times that I was superficially taking in my stride. But perhaps too much of a comfort. From that point on for the next two decades my dinner menu was either: Chips and beans, Chips and mini cheese and tomato pizzas, or Roast potatoes and beans. That's it, nothing else. On the very odd rare occasion I might try rice, but not too much; the carrots and fish fingers were gone; peas I'd have occasionally, but only 'processed' peas; gravy... out of the question. Even the beans themselves were to be preferably of one particular brand.

Chips and beans.
It made up the vast majority of my meals. It was what I grew up on. It was either that or nothing. I became a connoisseur of the perfect plate of chips and beans.
When eating out I'd order my signature dish (an increasingly embarrassing event as the years went on) in the hope that the kitchen didn't think it too plain looking a meal and take it upon themselves to sprinkle 'green stuff' on top. 'Green stuff' was the bane of my existence. I would either send it back, try to eat around it, or just go without.
I would try to deflect the attention of the ever helpful waitresses who would insist "there must be something we can get you" when they saw an empty place setting in front of me when the menu had nothing for me
"Oh! You're a vegetarian? We do have a vegetarian option!"
"I wouldn't eat it... whatever it is."

Perhaps that encouraged my apparent social anxiety, perhaps my social anxiety then encouraged my reluctance to try new things. What if I tried something in a restaurant and didn't like the way they prepared it? What if I reacted badly to it? What would other people think if they saw?
Regardless, 'eating out' became a fixture only for family occasions; at least you are on somewhat familiar ground there.

So that has been the state of affairs for countless years. Until recently!
Somewhere out of the blue I found some resolve (in a CBT-esque kind of way) in the last few months to expand my diet and actually try something new. Maybe the blue food dye is to blame?
I've since tried pasta with tomato sauces, chicken of all things and even had half a burger! A burger! Chicken... Beef! Meat! This is universe shattering stuff here that I still can't quite believe.
Granted it is more sampling than actually finishing whole meals, and I'm not quite liking everything I'm trying, but it is a start and one I intend to continue with.

Hell, if I can work out this, maybe there is hope for the other 'D' word? Maybe I'll approach some sort of normality. Hmm... maybe I'll have to develop some other idiosyncrasies to compensate...